Why attachment theory is everywhere right now and how it can help you

Image source, Lizzy Smith Image caption, Lizzy Smith says she used to see her difficulty with relationships as "completely unsolvable" By Josh Elgin Published 6 hours ago For Lizzy, relationships always seemed to end the same way. "I would get to a second or third date and find something wrong with them." Just as things began to feel real, the connection she longed for would suddenly feel uncomfortable, even threatening. And she would pull away. For years, she couldn't explain why - until she came across attachment theory. And it was the description of a so-called fearful-avoidant - one of the four attachment styles - which felt strikingly familiar. It describes someone who wants closeness, but worries that people in their life will eventually reject or abandon them. "It was like I had found the missing piece to a puzzle that I've been trying to solve for years," Lizzy says. She is not alone. Attachment theory has exploded into the public consciousness. On TikTok, videos tagged #AttachmentTheory have racked up hundreds of millions of views. And in popular culture it's used to explain everything from Marianne and Connell's relationship in the hit book and TV series Normal People to the lyrics of Sam Fender and Olivia Dean's record-breaking number one track Rein Me In . "The first time I listened to it I started crying," Lizzy says. For her, the song gave voice to both sides of avoidant attachment: the fear that can make love feel unbearable, and the confusion felt by the partner left behind. What are the four attachment styles? First developed in the 1950s by British psychiatrist John Bowlby, attachment theory suggests that the bonds we form with early caregivers shape our expectations of relationships. If support is consistently available, you are more likely to see others as reliable. If care is unpredictable or emotionally distant, you may develop strategies designed to protect yourself from disappointment or distress. There are four attachment styles - anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant and secure. In simple terms they are defined as follows: Anxious attachment is often associated with worries about rejection or abandonment. People with this attachment style may seek frequent reassurance from those close to them and struggle with low self-worth. They can be highly attuned to changes in other people's behaviour. People with an avoidant attachment style prioritise their independence and find it difficult to open up emotionally or rely on others. They may subconsciously view intimacy as a threat to their autonomy and withdraw when relationships become too emotionally close. Those with fearful-avoidant attachment (also known as disorganised) want close relationships but often struggle to feel safe in them. They may seek connection one moment and withdraw the next. Someone who is secure is comfortable with both closeness and independence in relationships. They are generally able to trust others, communicate their needs and seek support when they n